Continuing Step Four
Where Was I to Blame
Check progress on lists. Are all of the first three columns completed?
Review What makes us alcoholic?
Step 1 – The problem; we are powerless over alcohol – our lives had become unmanageable
Step 2 – What is the solution; a power greater than ourselves
Step 3 – How does a decision happen; in an instant – into action
Step 4 – We made a searching and thorough inventory
What is the goal? We are reminded at the start of every meeting:
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps…”
This is about freedom from bondage: You never have to be a victim again!
The title of column four says it all: WHERE WAS I TO BLAME?
Read The paragraph starting: “Selfish – self-centeredness…” on pg. 62
And “We went back through our lives…” from pg. 65 ending on pg.67 “… set these matters straight.”
“Remember what resentments are?” Give some examples.
Column 4 – Where was I to Blame?
If we were to live, we have to be free of anger.
Write a short description of what you did to cause each resentment to persist; “we step on other peoples’ toes and they retaliate.”
Focus the effort, particularly for this column, on growing and strengthening our spiritual connection to our higher power through prayer.
“Putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done to us, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes.” Pg. 67
We can no longer hide behind the wrongdoings of others.
If I was afraid like they were afraid. Full of pride, self-will, and anger.
If I were raised like they were raised.
If I were hurt, frustrated, helpless, full of shame and regret.
If I were sick like them,
I may have acted out in the same ways they have acted out towards me.
I too may have treated others badly and caused them pain.
On my worst days, have I not acted out in many of these same ways.
We are encouraged to look at life from a new direction.
Take responsibility for our resentments, and learn how to master them.
You said at the beginning of the steps you were ‘willing to go to any lengths’ to be free from alcoholic bondage.
Here is where you are asked to put your words into action.
Complete the entire ‘Where Was I to Blame’ column first.
If you haven’t learned to rely on prayer yet, now would be a really good time to start.
“In my deepest, darkest moments, what really got me through was prayer. Sometimes my prayer was ‘Help me.’ Sometimes my prayer was ‘Thank you.’ What I’ve discovered is that intimate connection and communication with my creator will always get me through because I know my support, my help, is just a prayer away.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant
Here are some prayers to keep repeating through this process:
God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change (everything outside ourselves) courage to change things I can (everything inside ourselves) and wisdom to know the difference.
God, please help me see the truth. Save me from being angry. Thy will, not mine, be done!
“We all have within us the sense of a fundamental difference between right and wrong.
Let God impart the moral compass.” ~ Unknown
Again read the paragraph “If we were to live…” on pg. 66
Grouch: to be sulky or morose; show discontent; complain; irritable.
Brainstorm: a fit of mental confusion or excitement, a sudden mental aberration.
Originally: a severe mental disturbance.
“Do not wait; the time will never be ‘just right’. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.” ~ Napoleon Hill
Column 5 – Fears Column 6 – Character Defects
Rather than writing the words above the “Affects my” column as they have done on page 65 of the Big Book, we have the Fears and the Character Defects in separate columns, to make it easier to be thorough and detailed.
Where had we been: a) selfish, b) dishonest, c) self-seeking and d) frightened (fear)?” (Character Defects)
Column 5: The Fears column:
Write out a fear that you would associate with each of the points on your resentment column.
If you can’t come up with your own fears, you can use the Fear List found in the ‘Other Stuff’ Tab.
Column 6: The Character Defects column:
For each item in column 4 write out what the Character Defect is associated with the item.
The Character Defects from the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions is the seven deadly sins;
Pride, Anger, Greed, Gluttony, Envy, Lust, and Sloth.
If you get stuck, you can expand the list from the four examples given, or the seven deadly sins, by using the Character Defects List found in the ‘Other Stuff’ Tab.
See example below:
The End of Session 4b
Continuing Step Four