Step Eight and Step Nine
Now we need more action…
Read pg. 76, to… “if we work for them.” pg. 84
Amends
- To restore, in a direct way, that which we have broken or damaged.
- Compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind.
Step Nine – Making an Amends
“Why do we make amends?” To right the wrong.
Give some reasons why we would not want to make an amends:
Fear, shame, pride, ego, effort, admitting we were wrong…
This isn’t about manipulating others to make them like you again, or make you feel better about yourself. Or get your job back. Or be forgiven for the money you stole from them.
This is not about them and their side of the street.
This is about you and your side of the street: getting right with God.
Be prepared. Write out your amends on paper first. Who and what for.
State your regrets; “I regret having harmed our relationship…”
Say what you think you did and why you did it.
This is the most important question you can ask in your amends:
“What can I do to make up for the harm I’ve done?”
You must be prepared to follow through on their demand for reparation, however the punishment should fit the crime.
Start setting up dates for your amends. Some people suggest you should have most of your amends completed within the first few months of doing the steps.
Why do we hold on to resentments? We want to see our idea of justice (punishment) metered out against others.
We are living in Gods world now. We can now give up our seat on the justice bench.
Let God take care of justice.
This requires “Action and more action on our part!”
We must take every opportunity to reverse the effects of our mistakes.
We may not be able to completely erase the damage we’ve done, but striving to improve and return a relationship to normal is crucial to making amends, and our continued recovery.
Accept responsibility
Tell the person how important making amends is to your recovery. Be genuine and forthright. Ask the person to allow you to say or read the amends to them without interruption.
If they think this is rather impersonal, tell them it is so you can stay on purpose.
If you approach the person you have hurt with humility, and are prepared to listen carefully to their reactions, you may find most are receptive to your efforts.
Reassure them that when you are finished, you will give them as much time as they need to respond and you will not interrupt them.
Make it Right!
Remember, people will feel wounded when they have been the victim of your past bad behaviour and actions.
Do not push for acceptance of your apology. This may leave them more resentful.
You have to re-establish trust and show them by your actions that you have recovered.
Prove to them you have learned your lesson.
An important thing to remember is; no matter how prepared you are, no matter the type or the kind of amends, you have absolutely no control over the other person’s reaction to you.
It is impossible to predict how others will react to our amends.
Sometimes we get the warm fuzzies, sometimes we don’t.
“Every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.“
~ Bill W. from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.
We can only do what we must do in this step. You are making amends so that you can free yourself from the past and live a new life, out of the shadows and despair of addiction.
“My real purpose is to fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people about me.”
“May I do thy will always – half measures avail us nothing! Amen.”
A few thoughts about God’s Mercy and Grace that you may find comforting:
Mercy is withholding punishment for something that has been done.
Grace is bestowing an unmerited and undeserved favour or blessing.
Every time you reach out to God, Grace multiplies.
God’s Grace to us, as we continue to practice the twelve steps, is the gift of freedom from bondage; sober, happy lives, in ever growing love and serenity.
If you were imagining God as you understand God – would you want your God to be vengeful or merciful?
If we are all God’s children, why not start practicing mercy towards your brothers and sisters?
“Love, Patience, Tolerance, and Kindness is our code.”
Step 3 prayer pg. 63. “God, I offer myself to thee…”
In the Big Book at the bottom of pg. 83 “If we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through.”
The ‘phase of our development’ referred to is the phase of making amends.
End of Session 9
Making Amends